32 weeks

everything is the same, except bigger. we had another perfect prenatal yesterday and the baby and i seem very healthy.

i got a new dress, and i'm so much more comfortable in it than in pants.

65 days, or thereabouts, to go

i know all anyone is interested in right now is this pregnancy and this baby...so here ya go. :D

27 weeks

this is from a week and a half ago, but you get the idea. i had a prenatal a couple days before this picture, and i'm healthy as can be, with low blood pressure, and a very active baby.

i'm so tired of people asking what we're having. a baby. other than that, i don't know, and i won't until i deliver him or her into my or latt's hands.

simple pleasures and salamander hunting

me and latt's 6th anniversary was a few days ago. he got off early from the nursery he's working at, and the rain stopped around the same time he got off. he came home to me and rowan and jack and we got suited up in boots and slickers and headed off to explore the spring-fed creek that comes down labyrinth mountain to terra. it gets prettier and wilder as you go, and since we've been having so much rain of late everything was so clean and cool and the water was just rushing along. the boulders got bigger and mossier as we went, and the sense of being in a magical place got stronger and stronger. my favorite spot we've gotten to so far runs past these enormous columns of rocks, with caves and everything. it's a very special, very powerful, very quiet place. last time i hiked those big rocks, i found an ancient bucket wedged in between a tree so old it was one contiguous carpet of moss and grey, weathered ironwood and a boulder bigger than a tank. i picked it up and peered behind me at the spring, seeing, perhaps only because i wanted to see it so badly, the old trail, and the girl upon it, in a beeline to a deep hole in the stream where the water must have been sweet and clear and cold.

by the time we trekked back down the stream a couple hours later, we had collected five species of salamanders, and eight specimens, from under rotting logs and creek rocks. we took the home and read our field guides and terrarium books, figuring out that we have a cave salamander, a dark-sided salamander, a lead-phase southern red-backed salamander, and one we haven't exactly figured out yet. we also had some type of brook salamanders that are more aquatic, and latt took them back that night to their stream. we added them to the terrarium where the serendipitous spotted salamander already resides (serendipitous because during our last flood, i opened the front door and found it literally on my doorjam, under the heavy steel door, but fine). we've been learning about their needs and their preferred habitat, and we'll be learning from them and enjoying them. the best pets i ever had were a troupe of california newts, with their sweet muppet-y faces and their benevolence to each other as they dove and swam. the ones we have now can live up to 20 years, and are a delight to watch.

i am blessed that my kids, and my husband, share with me this kind of deep love of wild places, and waterways, and the beauty of these woods. northwest arkansas is a treasure for many reasons, but its preponderance of salamanders has pushed it over the edge of amazingly cool to us all.

and it was a perfect anniversary gift to me.

dovetail--gratitude #8

i love when things fit together well, right. especially when it's pure serendipity that they do so. there's a particular delight i have in the moment--click--when everything slides into place like it never belonged anywhere more truly.

today was a perfect example of a dovetail. that's why i'm so tardy getting this entry up--i've been having a wonderful time all day, working in the studio on stained glass with latt. i have never been able to work so long with him or so productively. the fates smiled on us today though--jackson was here, and he and rowan watched jumanji and just hung out upstairs while we worked for about two hours in the middle of the day, and after bedtime we went back down for another couple. but what a four hours!

we started out the day productively with me seeing a very pregnant woman's torso, in profile, in a piece of glass that had curved lines throughout. latt cut her out of the glass for me, and we worked together to create a piece of glass around her that would do her justice. here she is in the rough. pinks and greens and clear glass. when we saw how well that worked, i thought she would be perfect for sale as a mother's day item. dh agreed and we both got excited. immediately we set to making more just like her, using her profile as a template. by the time we came upstairs to fix lunch, we had four similar pieces in various stages of completion!

tonight when we went back down we were just as productive...latt foiled the pieces from earlier, and i put together two more. then he made some improvements to them and made the cuts needed to make it all fit together perfectly. just like our day together. want to see a slideshow that shows us moving through the day and our various creations? i took pictures as i went once i realized our work was definitely what i was thankful for today.

today not only did so many pieces of glass go together seamlessly--but so did my life and my work. and my life and my love. everything dovetailed so very perfectly. that is a damn good day. and i'd be crazy not to be full of gratitude for it.

gratitude #7--catching fireflies and the act of creation

there is something so satisfying about learning, and having success at, a new skill. i can really sense my homo habilis roots when i'm taking on a new craft and it actually comes out well. i've dyed my fifth skein of yarn, another big licorice twist one, and i'm finally feeling like it's good enough to sell. :squeee:

this one is "catching fireflies"--it's dyed in the inky deep blue and the silvery blue of the night sky, just past twilight when the other colors recede--which is when the fireflies come out! there's the light and dark greens of the backyards and fields i ran in as a child with my little jar, holes carefully poked in the lid, and of course the flare orange glow of the the little creatures' beacons. i adored catching fireflies and i swear, there is something about learning a new craft that makes me feel just as inspired, as happy--as grateful. because it is somehow the same--the desire to capture something shiny, something difficult to hold. a new ability, particularly one that feeds your soul and looks pretty, is like that moment --AHA! I GOT IT!--when you manage to keep still for a moment something fragile and fleeting. like the fireflies i caught as a child, my creations are especially precious to me, because--not in spite of--the fact that after i admire them, briefly, i let them go.

as a work at home mom, i've let thousands of colorful creatures out of my hands and into the lives' of others. that's what makes dyeing yarn like this such a delight--it's a lovely, ephemeral thing flying through my life, but it's going to make someone else very very happy. i'm grateful to be able to turn curiosity and a love for color and a desire to learn and do new things into that kind of happiness in others' hands.

library day with the girl who loves stories--gratitude #6

as much as i hate the trip into town--now that we are 15 miles out, it seems interminably long--the lure of our city library is compelling. it's a green built-building, and it's beautiful and huge, and the children's department is amazing and a sensory delight. oh, and they have a great local coffee shop inside, complete with deli fare and the best old-school cheap coffee by the cup in town. what's not to love?

when we get back from the library, rowan is always eager to spread out her take and start in right away on the books, books on tape or cd, or a movie. i'm especially grateful right now for audio books, which let me work and feel almost as good as if another person is reading to her. she;s as quiet and engrossed with these books as with a movie, but they're basically guilt-free for me. :D i like guilt-free--my superego works overtime as it is without any further stimuli.

here's our cream of the crop from the last few days (which included a trip to the big library and our dinky local library, which is pretty good too--a totally different experience, where the librarian knows rowan's name, when i'm due, that we're homeschooling, and who doesn't need my card to check books out for us...she actually knows our names by heart.) these are the ones she and i have really enjoyed, or the ones we're looking forward to especially. she ate dinner while listening to one audiobook, and basking in the splendor of her other choices of books on CD and tape for the next few days. i'm particularly jazzed about roald dahl reading charlie and the chocolate factory and james and the giant peach--he's one of my very favorite authors, age-graded genres be damned. i also look forward to the unabridged jungle book by kipling--i loved those as a child.

my favorite moment of the night happened after supper. rowan is really enjoying this cd book by cornelia funke called igraine the brave, about a young girl who gets the opportunity to become a knight *and* save her family and their castle. she particularly likes the fact that there is an evil character named rowan the heartless in this book. anyway, she was still gnawing on a chicken bone and on a stool right.next.to the stereo, totally enraptured. i'm grateful for moments like this, when she's totally awake and aware about the world around her, taking all of something wholesome and edifying in like a sponge, or a plant's roots uptaking nutrients.

i wish i could make every moment this perfect for her, but i'm glad the ratio of great moments to crapola is pretty high--and grateful that time is on our side.

a real studio--gratitude #5

ever since we've been making a living by our wits (i.e. running a work at home dyeing business) i've envied the studios of other artists in the wah biz world. i saw pictures of joyce/elliebelly's studio and shed real tears about a year ago. i must admit that was a bit melodramatic, but at the time i was feeling especially like we were a ragtag, by-the-skin-our-teeth operation--dh was making stained glass in a corner of the attic that was inhospitably intemperate for five months of the year, and i was dyeing on a spot on the kitchen floor near the back door, between the washing machine and the dinner table and the door to our bedroom. every time a child or the dog needed to go in or outdoors, or someone needed to go in our room, they had to catapult across my mess , and many many bottles of dye were upturned in the process. then i was processing the tie dye in the kitchen sink, which meant moving dirty dishes at the worst of times and forcing food prep to wait on me at the best of times. feeling the depth of the envy i might have for something like this yet?

but that's all behind me now. i am the proud owner--ok renter--of a space that is well-lit, warm, and keeps everything in one place... namely, and most importantly, out of my home proper! our studio is in our building, so we can work while the kids are upstairs without worrying too much, and i must admit that when i go down there i feel like i am leaving the shackles of house-drudgery behind and putting on the gossamer wings of an artist. and it makes me so happy to see dh working on...let's see...either five or six different projects here with glass. the white squares on the big table are glass, and have lights below--so we can put a piece together flat and see how it will look with light coming through. very cool!

the right space can make a huge difference in one's productivity. come to think of it, that's what i'm trying to accomplish with this gratitude exercise over 30 days--get my head right about realizing how lucky i am, an effort i hope will have a real benefit in my life. but even if that doesn't happen, i still have this great studio. i'm not going back to the kitchen floor for anything.

oh, and in case you are wondering--the poster on the wall is inspirational in nature. it's ani difranco, and the text says "up up up goes the spire of the steeple/but god's work isn't done by god, it's done by people". it reminds me that the more i whine and bitch and envy, the less i accomplish--and there is so very much to do in this world.

gratitude, take 4--gifts of love

is there anything that warms the heart more than a purely selfless act done for you, without you even asking?

we have a frigid bathroom. it has no heat, and adjoins a freezing cold part of the building. which means it's always cold, except in the middle of the day.

i love to take a bath at night before bed. but i hate being cold. the tub is so arctic that it literally *sucks* the warmth right out of the hot water that you put in about as fast as you can do so. now add to this dilemma that we have a small hot water heater. a truly satisfying bath requires a heater being brought in, and a big pot of water heated on the stove. and did i mention the tub needed cleaning? all these factors conspired to make the likelihood of me getting a relaxing soaker of a bath infinitesimally small. this also means i've been forced to take showers of late, which isn't a relaxing experience to me--just business.

this is what i walked into the bathroom to see tonight, without even asking--i just mentioned earlier that a bath would be great but it was too damned cold.

he's scrubbing the tub, this man who *always* takes showers. that's the heater you can see he's brought in, near the toilet. and in the kitchen, i found a gigantic stew pot of water boiling. epsom salts and calendula are laid out on the bathroom counter too.

it's stuff like this that makes you see how people can stay married forever, warts and wrinkles and all. this is true love.

thank you, dear husband. i hope i sometimes make your life as easy as you so often do mine.

one mama-gratitude #3

i have a mama crush. an utterly virtuous one.

it's tara. she's like a tour de force of the art of mothering. a shoo-in for the mama hall of fame.

i really don't know her that well--i'm sure, if i did, i'd have something mundane to say like, "she whips up her fantastically whimsical sewing creations one stitch at a time, like you or me". but i really only know her a little, and so i can just gush instead.

she is a wahm, and she owns this eclectic, artful, small-is-beautiful business. makes the kind of kid's stuff you remember from your own childhood, if you were the bookish, magical type. she makes these amazing velvet pants with patchwork side panels and lusciously usable mama bags. but listen to how she describes this one--

The woman who inspired this set was someone I glimpsed for just a moment--sitting windowside in a London coffeeshop, her glossy brown hair pulled back in a chignon, sipping from her mug as she looked out at the dreary, rainy day. Her clothing was chic, funky, and made from luxurious fabrics. I was inspired by her style in the face of such gloomy weather, and that, along with the designs in the fabrics of this bag, remind me of her.

now i ask you, does that not make you want to buy a "metro bag", whatever they are, whatever that particular one looks like? by the way, it was "simply sublime: cocoa brown, pale peach, sparkling aquamarine, sage green. The inner print is a swirling, stylized floral, and it is perfectly complimented by the thick cotton velvet aquamarine outer."

her blog is infinitely inspiring, of course. she is unschooling her son, which means he mostly directs his learning and she provides the opportunities and resources that will allow him to do so. i read about their projects and outings and i feel like every person on the earth deserves a mother like her--she's interested and involved and bright and energetic and positive. and yes, for you empath mamas, i am feeling a little envious. just a little.

they go to museums and walking in the woods in the rain and she's figured out how he can take a beginning astronomy course from UC Berkeley's streaming site. it seems like an idyllic learning environment and when i'm feeling in the doldrums about homeschool i check out her blog, read a few random entries, and walk away determined to put my shoulder to the wheel a little more elegantly.

that's another thing about her. she's just so classy. she looks and acts like a beautifully educated and lovely person. she's one of those moms you'd love to meet, but would feel slightly nervous about so doing.sometimes i think about particularly productive, talented people as bearing fruits. if so, tara's work, and the tiny glimpse of her life i have seen in her online sharing, is like an orchard. i get the impression that she's eating, breathing, practically swimming in talent and it's obvious how her whole life, and everyone in it, is sustained by it.

i'm grateful for her. she reminds me that despite the drudgery that life at home, mothering, can sometimes seem--what with its thousand thankless tasks, the Sisyphean work of keeping the relationships in a family growing and healthy, and the difficulty of always being the one who keeps it together, no matter what--this life always, also, holds the seeds of what we need to truly flourish. and look elegant doing it.

the gratitude project: in appreciation of online mothers

i had no idea how much i appreciate the support for mothering (the pro-natal sentiment, my thesis advisor would say) that exists on the boards i frequent, mama-drama and amity mama. today i had a chance to see how wonderful those online mamas are--and why.

today i started what will be a once a week ritual until i defend my thesis--which has been *almost done* for some time. every friday, when latt is off work and able to be home with rowan, i'll drive in to the university, where i've spent so very much time in the last four years, and where i've always felt so very at home. friday will be the day i work, uninterrupted for requests for oranges to be peeled, stories to be read, and glitter glueing to be supervised. today i worked for about five hours and got quite a lot done. (i'm really almost done with my thesis now, and am just running some analyses of data i gathered and entered from about 2,000 attachment parenting mothers about six years ago. the printers at school never run out of ink, and as i already mentioned, no one there needs my help tying their shoes or needs help wiping. or makes such a mess with that atrocious moon sand that i need to take an hour long break in order to clean it up properly.)

at any rate, i walked into that building today confident, ready to work, and excited to see professors and fellow scholars that i haven't seen since finishing up the classes needed for my master's degree last august. and i walked in glowingly, bloomingly, pregnant. obviously pregnant. that was the only difference from the last time i walked in, last fall.

i set to work alone and it wasn't until the printer needed more paper that i took the opportunity to go up to the sociology department and say hello to the faculty and staff while i got another ream.

the oddest thing happened when i got up there. no one mentioned my being obviously pregnant. i am far past the awkward stage of "is she with child, or just putting on weight? maybe i shouldn't say anything! what if i'm wrong?" instead, i appear to have a basketball under my shirt and haven't gained anywhere else. i spoke with two secretaries, the department chair--not a glimmer of recognition that i was gestating. i stopped in to say hello to the graduate student director--and when she asked how the thesis was coming and i said i definitely planned to get it done before the baby arrived, she oh-so-innocently asked, "oh, are you expecting?"

it was as if i had a grotesque growth on my face, and everyone was far too polite to mention it, lest my feelings be hurt. they pretended, instead, that everything was business as usual. as if my round belly was an embarrassment, or a handicap.

i couldn't help but feel this was the perfect metaphor for the general anti-mothering sentiment i experienced while i attended classes in sociology. when i spoke passionately about the importance of mothering and breastfeeding and in-arms care, and talked of my research on a group of women who chose intensive mothering, the cool smiles and amused looks baffled me. and when i went further, when i decried any so-called feminism that denied or demeaned women's right to choose mothering as an empowering, joyful act and instead defined that choice as oppressive, i was always confused as to why there was such an outcry of negative feedback from the women professors and even my fellow students.

but this helped bring it all into perspective. they did see motherhood as a handicap and an anachronism, and must have thought it strange when i spoke of it as a revolutionary, creative act. and here i was, with its mark upon me as clear as day, and all they could do was pretend i was still "normal". as if to call attention to my state would shame me.

thank you, mothers. thank you for asking for belly pics, for doting on me and every pregnant woman in our midst. thank you for creating an environment where gestation is considered a state of grace, a blessing. thank you for noticing that i am with child, and for lifting *us*, me and this little creature, up, as a miracle.

Good Food Gratitude

tonight i started off this gratitude endeavor right. my dearest fixed me a delicious meal--light, because i was feeling a bit crowded after eating earlier in the afternoon. it's got almonds, a greens mix, romas, and our dehydrated home-grown tomatoes. and the asparagus was perfect.

a simple, well-prepared meal is often the highlight of my day, and i always feel grateful, because i rarely am responsible for fixing it.

i am grateful that my husband is one of those people who understand naturally that food is a blessing to us and that it is one of the most potent ways to show love for others. i am almost as grateful that he takes joy in doing so, and makes food for our family that is not only healthy and usually whole, but with a flourish that speaks to his inner, indefatigable style and natural elegance.

About Gratitude

i have been thinking about this for a while. i feel better and i do better when i focus on gratitude.

then i started reading about gratitude after we moved out here to terra (where a major artistic theme is actually the "gratitude statue" that the matriarch here makes. one waits in the center of both labyrinths here on the grounds. my dd is loving on one she calls "my friend" in my sig, btw.) anyway i found out there's a whole body of research on gratitude and it's really amazing and delightful. it's just as you'd hope. being grateful makes you happier and healthier.

http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/labs/emmons/

Gratitude Interventions and Psychological and Physical Well-Being

* In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

* A related benefit was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions.

* A daily gratitude intervention (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups.

* Participants in the daily gratitude condition were more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or having offered emotional support to another, relative to the hassles or social comparison condition.

* In a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.

[B] Measuring the Grateful Disposition[/B]

* Well-Being: Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, optimism and lower levels of depression and stress. The disposition toward gratitude appears to enhance pleasant feeling states more than it diminishes unpleasant emotions. Grateful people do not deny or ignore the negative aspects of life.

* Prosociality: People with a strong disposition toward gratitude have the capacity to be empathic and to take the perspective of others. They are rated as more generous and more helpful by people in their social networks (McCullough, Emmons, & Tsang, 2002).

* Spirituality: Those who regularly attend religious services and engage in religious activities such as prayer reading religious material score are more likely to be grateful. Grateful people are more likely to acknowledge a belief in the interconnectedness of all life and a commitment to and responsibility to others (McCullough et. al., 2002).

* Materialism: Grateful individuals place less importance on material goods; they are less likely to judge their own and others success in terms of possessions accumulated; they are less envious of wealthy persons; and are more likely to share their possessions with others relative to less grateful persons.

i used to journal. my life has moved on in a big way since i sat on a porch swing with a nursing baby and my just sharpened #2 eberhard-faber and my notebook. now i have a blog and so do a bunch of my friends online, and i thought it would be nice to journal/blog daily on a snippet of gratitude from our lives for 30 days. i hope to get myself a habit started in that time. :joy:

sometimes the things i am grateful for are easy to spot. tonight dh made me a delicious meal and i don't know what exactly but he's got a handmade dessert in the freezer. we're having a low-tech, no-cost valentine's day, and i'm just happy as can be about it. but many days i'm stressed, mad, hurt, bored, or overwhelmed. it's those days i especially want to find gratitude in. and now i have to.

anyway...if you wanna join me, please do! id love to read others' thoughts on this matter--and i'd love to hear what others are grateful for.

life is just not fair OR going, going, gone

13 should not look like this. it just shouldn't. it seems like it was just last month or so that i took that pic of jack with the praying mantis. he was 9 i think. and now he's practically out the door. shouldn't he need my permission to grow up this fast?

18 weeks 5 days

which means i have 150 days, or thereabouts (probably a bit more, given my other pregnancies), to go.

i've been feeling the baby kick and twirl for a few weeks, but day before yesterday jack felt it too. such a delightful expression on his face. latt has trouble feeling the same thing, and rowan doesn't have the patience to wait silently and still.

i've gained four pounds (looks like more, doesn't it?) and my appetite is increasing finally. i feel good.

a dear friend sent her midwifery kit--she is not practicing right now--so that we can do prenatals here at home for now. latt has learned how to take my blood pressure and use the doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, and we measure my uterus to see how the baby is growing (i am measuring a couple weeks ahead of expected right now--nothing out of the ordinary though). i also have strips to test my urine for protein, glucose, nitrates, etc...and a kit to test my blood for hemoglobin (iron levels). i do want to see a local midwife as i get closer to term, to ascertain the presentation (position) of the baby, in case we need to turn it. i don't mind having a breech baby here at home but i'd rather avoid that adventure if possible.

the plan for the birth is set, barring unforeseen circumstances. kristena and kim will come as friends to support me. i'm excited about birthing again...i've been blessed to have wonderful, positive experiences with both my children, which means birth is an experience i associate with great joy and great power.

branching out

is anything more satisfying than taking on a new crafting project and succeeding wildly? this is some licorice twist yarn i just dyed up. latt had the brilliant idea that the colorway should be called gingerbread house. it's 560 yards of merino yarn, 7.8 oz.

the licorice twist is a neat yarn. one of the plys take dye more deeply than the others, which creates an interesting variation--almost a tweedy effect. this is supposed to be self-striping, but i'm honestly not sure if that's true or not. i did lengths of color about four feet, so some items, knitted up, will stripe, while others won't. at any rate, the colors turned out very well.

and balling yarn is a new favorite pastime--very meditative!